Dancing Hank and the Esoteric Hooker

8 Legged Assassins

dahank — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:46:19 +0000

2008 is upon us, on year closer to -insert your prefered natural calamity here-. First of all apologies are in order (to the 5 people reading this ) for the lack of any material these days. I’d say I was a little depressed because of the passing of the year… maybe even a little suicidal but I was just severely inebriated since the 1st.

I might have been a little homicidal however. And I say that because I’ve been thinking about some fool proof ways of assassinating someone. After four days of thinking about it I decided that the best one I have so far is spiders. It is well known that a few spiders out there can put a grown man six feet under in a matter of minutes. So I’m thinking to myself why would I buy a sniper when nature has it’s own means of taking someone out.

So… now you have the means of the hit, but I went further and imagined a few devious spider delivery methods. The best one so far would be to stick a jarfull of the little buggers inside the marks mailbox. How one would do this without falling victim is a matter of preference, I would use some sort of contraption that has something to do with a rubber hose and a funnel. When the assassinee (I’m not sure that’s a word either, but, then again we do like to invent words here) checks the mail… whammo! mission acomplished.

Of course there’s a matter of where do you get a jar full of say… Black Widow spiders. Would you need to breed them yourself? Would you be called a spider wrangler? Would you need to buy them? How much would a jar of venomous spiders set you back? Does anyone sell venomous spiders? And the concening one: what happens when you release a venomous spider breed in an unfamiliar habbitat? I know I wouldn’t be ok with a 3 foot venomous spider mutated by adifferent surroundings.

In conclusion here’s a little gem we found on youtube (scarcely related to the matter though, yet still funny)

Next up Killer Mutant Zombie Squirrels From Space

-dahank

número uno:

”2008 is upon us, on year closer to -i’d say, my first prostate exam-”

número dos:

You can’t cramp more that one critter in there, they would kill each other, though this would mean that the roughest and toughest one remains to do the job ”two men enter, one man leaves”.

Furthermore, your success depends on a few little things like: the shape of the mailbox, the mood the spiders are in (if it would be me in there, as a spider, i’d say ”fuck it guys, let’s sting ourselves into nirvana”), weather (spider popsicles don’t make for good assassins).

número tres:

I would prefer killing him in a back alley with a blunt object. Note that one has to shave his whole body, ware a overall, cover ones face, wear gloves as to not leave any dna and, probably the most important, get a fool proof alibi, like playing scrabble with the folks down at the retirement home (geezers do anything for candy, as do underage girls). Be sure to plan it into the smallest detail, your success lies within it, and much courage one must bring up, not to mention the candy.

Also i think hypnosis is a good way to wack someone. Just find an already convicted black guy (nothing against black people, they just make better assassins and look more fearsome) and have him hypnotized to kill that person. Again, i can’t stress the geezers at the retirement home and the candy enough and mind watching all those cheesy crime shows on tv, they make for good inspiration and indigestion (two words i never used in the same sentence before).

numero cuatro :

About the so called Killer Mutant Zombie Squirrels From Space. What is it they crave for? nuts? brains? Shish kebab? i fear turkey is doomed ‘couse they’s gots them all !

-ehooker

Of Pyrotechnics And Coleopterae

dahank — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 13:41:14 +0000

I’m still at the time of this writing manning (in a totally non-gay way) this thing by myself. I had a short pause generated by alcohol induced laziness. So I’ll be short, we’re still on holiday, nobody wants to read large amounts of text, and I don’t want to produce the mentioned quantity of text.

Christmas past, incoming: New Years Eve.

I’ve been thinking how much I like fireworks.

There’s a flaw in my plan however, seems a local law will not allow me to use most of … any fireworks actually. The formulation is brilliant: “regular citizen may not use fireworks containing more than 3 grams of powder, or any type of luminous flying objects”. Well that’s almost right I’m not really keen on remembering everything governing idiots spout out. Seems like a few kids blew their hands/faces/other peoples hands or faces off the past years. Now that’s just peachy and I care oh so much. Instead of banning kids from New Years Eve they banned fireworks … goddamned stupid kids.

Anywho… I’ve been studying the text mentioned above. The first thing that makes me mad is the word “fireworks”. They’re talking about that all around gay, metal wire thing covered in powder, which you ignite and then hold in your hand as it sparkles… and yawn, because that is not a firework.

Next in line “3 grams of powder” (you know…cocaine, heroine, methadone, and so on…)… And then my favourite: you may not use “luminous flying objects”. If you’re like me, and like to parade around with a jar filled with fireflies on New Years Eve well then… that’s real bad news . But seriously now the firefly is a vicious creature, only one individual could suck the insides of small child dry in a few seconds, in fact that’s how my great grandfather died 60 years ago. Extremely dangerous. This also means no helium baloons with candles strapped to them, no throwing of lightbulbs and… and… my lord do we not believe in aliens on New Years Eve? I mean, their supposed means of transportation is definitely flying and is most likely luminous…

So Happy New Year to the governing bastards, and no one cares what you think.

And Happy New Year to the people who have been reading this thing.

May your parties be wild and fornications plenty.

Check back in on 1 january.

-dahank

Quick Guide On Dereligionizing Christmas

dahank — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 22:07:15 +0000

Given that my associate seems to have taken an early vacation I’ll go solo on this one. I am fully aware that dereligionizing isn’t a real word so I’ll go into that for a bit. It is the action of striping any religious conotations off a specific topic, these are the holidays so I’ll address Christmas.

In the case of this type of holidays this might be a little tricky, first off this starts with your kids. By no means stop celebrating Christmas! Take this handy guide on how to do it without the impeding shadow of religion.

Question number one that a child might ask: ”What is Christmas?” answer: Santa Claus’ birthday. Which will no doubt bring out this other mind bender: “Who is Santa Claus” easy: Santa Claus is a publicity stunt. Ouch you might say… though keep in mind that Santa Claus doesn’t really really exist and it’s you dressed in a red suit (at best), so yeah if you can’t think of anything else that one’s the winner. Moving on: “Why are we using firs or pines for Christmas trees?” easier still, “Well kid that’s the only tree I found outside that hasn’t been stripped bare by winter”. And if they, by any chance do ask: “Why winter?” just give them a cookie or something, I’m sure the holidays have forced a big stockpiles of sweets, and kids are suckers for sweets. And that’s about it.

More non-religious uses for Christmas: Christmas morning sex, getting stuff (I’m not big on making or recieving presents of any kind but I threw that in there for the rest of the normal people out there), possibly giving stuff (if you do however give someone a present which they like… heck I can’t deny that feeling, thing is that if they don’t have anything for you brings you to another awkard moment avoided by not giving them anything in the first place. ROCK SOLID LOGIC.), Christmas specials, Christmas jacking up on prices at stores, Christmas promotions… and so on…

-dahank

Domestic Tomfoolery

ehooker — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 22:06:29 +0000

Now then, i’m going to pull some more nonsense-rabbits out of my hat-brain and start of with doors. Yesterday, due to a major collision with one, i’ve come to realize that doors don’t get the attention they should. Not because they deserve it, there’s nothing exalting about them other than the fact that they keep stuff outside, but because of their ability to remind you they exist. You think you’re in best relations with the door and all scours are settled but every now and then it longs to prove it still has the upper hand/nob over you, somewhat like the mafia, and that’s when it strikes with its’ prior and only weapon, your carelessness. There are other cases, such as mine, where your new to the house and the door just wants to set things straight, just so your aware of its’ presence for some time to come. Sometimes it will go so far as to forming an alliance with other neglected stuff in the house, like basement plumbing, random table feet or even the mischievous wet bathroom floor.

So, be ever so vigilant !

-ehooker

‘Tis a dangerous world we dangle in as you probably saw in the Final Destination series (in case you haven’t DO NOT I repeat DO NOT see any of those movies if you fancy your sanity!). My point is that not only do doors have it in for you, but probably every other blunt/hard/rough/metal/tough object in your house. And the cruel irony is that you never seem to get a break from this, I don’t know any person who accidentally hit their head on a pillow, or mattress, small dog you name it, the list goes on, if you can squeeze the jesus out of it it’s going on the list. But no… every time you do hit something it has to be something that’ll bruise, swell, break the skin, stab, or sever a limb off. I shall not stand for it anymore. Or is it in fact some sort of devious revenge household objects are playing on their owners. Which reminds me of a Simpsons couch gag where all the couches in Springfield animate themselves and reak havoc on the townsfolk.

That’s a justified effort though! Can you even imagine the stuff a normal couch can endure through the years? Off the top of my head: farts… I’m not sure where a couch would have its face but I sure hope it’s not located at the sitting part.

I mean, if I was some sort of minuscule lifeform inhabitting a couch (and believe me, there are loads of them on your couch)I’d call that certain areea “Ass Country” the badlands, venture at your own risk. Farts aside, there’s the sex, normal people do have sex on the couch once in a while. Then there’s spills, various stains, the occasional cigar burns or animal feces. All in all there’s plenty of reasons why a couch would come to life and feast on its owners. Use this knowledge wisely, they know I know…

-dahank

The Odor Of Two New Bloggers Is In the Air

ehooker — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 23:05:08 +0000

So, what’s the deal with (i always wanted to say that) vitamin supplement tablets ? I’ve been taking those weird tasting little buggers for a week now, in fact i take little brakes just to have small sips of that ooze as we speak, and i don’t feel the force growing within me, i can’t manipulate subatomic material nor can i leap back into time to stop myself from taking them heck, even a glow in the dark member would suffice.

-ehooker

A glow in the dark penis… That’s the new element in the phrase: “I’ve been dreaming about one eversince I was a small boy”. The ramifications of having one would be endless. For instance, wizzing in a dark alley would no longer be a problem. Not to mention the effect it would have on the ladies. Come to think about it might be a little fifty fifty on this one, some might be impressed, on the other hand others may be putt off by it. Also this would totally eliminate the need for glow in the dark condoms, which brings me to the previous point. Unwanted pregnancy is a bitch for a girl, BUT… besides the morning sickness there would always be the thought: might this thing be ereditary? what if it’s a girl… glow in the dark vagina? what will my parents say? would it glow through my belly? does this shirt make look fat? should I have another chocolate? and the sorts.

-dahank

On the other hand, that would significantly ease further generations’ mating process. No more ‘is it in yet?’ questions, certainly no more ‘i don-t like it when you watch so i turned off the lights’ problems and the ‘is that a flashlight or are you happy to see me’ inquiry would thus have a simple, if weird, answer.

-ehooker

What my partner forgot to mention was potential answers to said questions. Number one: “it’s in when I stop seeing your ugly face!”. Number two:well number two isn’t technically a question so, I might have to skip it. As for the third I would go for “it’s whatever you want it to be” which is lame… and now my mind drifted off…; I wonder if that would feel like doing it with a christmas tree…

-dahank