8 Legged Assassins
2008 is upon us, on year closer to -insert your prefered natural calamity here-. First of all apologies are in order (to the 5 people reading this 
) for the lack of any material these days. I’d say I was a little depressed because of the passing of the year… maybe even a little suicidal but I was just severely inebriated since the 1st.
I might have been a little homicidal however. And I say that because I’ve been thinking about some fool proof ways of assassinating someone. After four days of thinking about it I decided that the best one I have so far is spiders. It is well known that a few spiders out there can put a grown man six feet under in a matter of minutes. So I’m thinking to myself why would I buy a sniper when nature has it’s own means of taking someone out.
So… now you have the means of the hit, but I went further and imagined a few devious spider delivery methods. The best one so far would be to stick a jarfull of the little buggers inside the marks mailbox. How one would do this without falling victim is a matter of preference, I would use some sort of contraption that has something to do with a rubber hose and a funnel. When the assassinee (I’m not sure that’s a word either, but, then again we do like to invent words here) checks the mail… whammo! mission acomplished.
Of course there’s a matter of where do you get a jar full of say… Black Widow spiders. Would you need to breed them yourself? Would you be called a spider wrangler? Would you need to buy them? How much would a jar of venomous spiders set you back? Does anyone sell venomous spiders? And the concening one: what happens when you release a venomous spider breed in an unfamiliar habbitat? I know I wouldn’t be ok with a 3 foot venomous spider mutated by adifferent surroundings.
In conclusion here’s a little gem we found on youtube (scarcely related to the matter though, yet still funny)
Next up Killer Mutant Zombie Squirrels From Space
-dahank
número uno:
”2008 is upon us, on year closer to -i’d say, my first prostate exam-”
número dos:
You can’t cramp more that one critter in there, they would kill each other, though this would mean that the roughest and toughest one remains to do the job ”two men enter, one man leaves”.
Furthermore, your success depends on a few little things like: the shape of the mailbox, the mood the spiders are in (if it would be me in there, as a spider, i’d say ”fuck it guys, let’s sting ourselves into nirvana”), weather (spider popsicles don’t make for good assassins).
número tres:
I would prefer killing him in a back alley with a blunt object. Note that one has to shave his whole body, ware a overall, cover ones face, wear gloves as to not leave any dna and, probably the most important, get a fool proof alibi, like playing scrabble with the folks down at the retirement home (geezers do anything for candy, as do underage girls). Be sure to plan it into the smallest detail, your success lies within it, and much courage one must bring up, not to mention the candy.
Also i think hypnosis is a good way to wack someone. Just find an already convicted black guy (nothing against black people, they just make better assassins and look more fearsome) and have him hypnotized to kill that person. Again, i can’t stress the geezers at the retirement home and the candy enough and mind watching all those cheesy crime shows on tv, they make for good inspiration and indigestion (two words i never used in the same sentence before).
numero cuatro :
About the so called Killer Mutant Zombie Squirrels From Space. What is it they crave for? nuts? brains? Shish kebab? i fear turkey is doomed ‘couse they’s gots them all !
-ehooker
